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Awake my Soul! A Story of depression
The holidays are very hard for those of us who suffer from depression. I know. I have depression. My pastor and I wrote a book about it. I recently wrote this short, short story for storypraxis and posted it on the ink*well website. I want to share it with my readers. I hope you find it comforting or possibly even inspiring. If you suffer from depression, the holiday season can be devastating. I am praying for you. If you are the fortunate ones who never suffer from depression, there is someone you know; someone you love; someone you can help who is suffering from depression. Pray for them this season.
Awake My Soul!
I do not move.
I am quiescent and still.
Movement for me is pain. Life is pain.
The trees outside are harsh and bare. Winter has stripped them of vigor and life. Gray fingers claw at the even grayer sky. Even the clouds do not move. The air is still. No wind. No breeze. No life. My daughter has placed me here on the porch. I feel the sting of cold on my cheeks but I can ignore it. I have ignored all feeling for months now. Since Tom died, I have had no reason to move; no reason to feel.
My daughter has wrapped a scarf around my neck and tucked it into the woolen sweater Tom gave me last year for Christmas. I can still smell him on it when I choose to acknowledge my sense of smell.
“Why is she out there on the porch?” That is my son-in-law inside the warm house.
“I’m tired of her, Richard. I can’t take this anymore.” My daughter has tears in her voice. I cannot feel them. I cannot touch them. The tears mean nothing to me.
“She’ll freeze to death.” Richard says.
“That’s the idea.”
There is a profound silence. And then, subdued sobbing; quiet, subtle. A white flake shimmies down the still air and lands on my nose. I choose not to feel it melt. So intricate, so beautiful in its design — one of a kind — it dies on my cold skin. It dies on the already dead. For, she has left me to die out here alone; cold; still; frozen.
The sliding door opens behind me and a waft of warm air bathes the back of my head. I cannot feel it on my neck for the scarf. Richard’s shadow falls over me from the lights inside the house; lights that try in vain to chase away the gray.
“You’ll have to forgive your daughter, Mom.” He says behind me. “She is very frustrated and wants to leave you out here to die.”
“I’m already frozen.” I whisper and he leans over me. His breath touches my forehead.
“Did you say something?”
“I’m already frozen.” I say more strongly. “Let me finish dying.”
My lips pull apart and I realize they have frozen together. I feel the pain as the first real sensation I have experienced in months. Richard squats beside my wheelchair and for a second, I choose to notice the strong profile of his face; his angular cheekbones; his gently stubbled chin; his clear eyes. He is watching the trees.
“Winter is hard for all of us, Mom. Spring is coming. I want to tell you a secret. It is a deep and abiding secret that no one can know.”
More flakes are falling now and caressing my cheeks. I choose not to feel their gentle touch. One lands on my cornea and I blink involuntarily. I must not do that again. But, try as I might to ignore his statement, the attraction is there. What secret is he talking about? “What secret?” My voice is a bare whisper.
“Virginia is stressed out because we have chosen to take a journey. It is a long and tedious journey and we will be gone for weeks. She doesn’t know what to do with you during that time. She can’t leave you alone. And, she isn’t going to leave you out here to die.” His breath streams away from him, a living thing full of warmth and moisture and the snowflakes eddy and swirl.
“Journey?”
“Rawanda. In Africa. There is a little girl. She needs a family.” He turns his head to me and his gaze is full and hot on my face. Tears mingle with the snowflakes. “She needs to know her grandfather. She needs to know what he was like. Only you can tell her that.”
Another snowflake hits my eye and melts. The moisture runs along my eyelid and I feel a hot tear trickle down my cheek. No! I cannot let this happen! I cannot feel!
“Will you come with us to Rawanda? Will you come with us to get your granddaughter?” His eyes are full and round and wet and the snow is covering his bare head, peppering his shoulders.
I feel something deep within stir from a slumber of unforgiving anger and frustration. The black dregs of my depression begin to drift away as the warmth stokes itself in my heart. No! I want to scream. No! I want to hold onto the stillness; the inertia; the coming of winter’s death. I try to ignore Richard’s gleaming eyes and his warm breath and when I subtly avert my gaze a flash of bright red burns my retinas. A lone flower dares to challenge the grayness from my camellia bush. The snowflakes are covering it now and it wants to be seen; it wants to look upward to the hidden sun for life and warmth; it wants to live.
The chair creaks; the ice breaks across my knees and I push, push, push up and out of the heaviness of my crypt of sorrow and I stumble to the flower. I brush away the snow with shaking hands and my tears anoint the petals with life. With life!
Awake my soul! Awake!
I turn to my son-in-law who is standing with his mouth wide open and the snow covering his head and my daughter stumbles through the open door with her hands pressed to her tear streaked face and I feel the ice crack as I smile. “When do we leave?”
The Church I Drenched in Blood!
I remember standing beneath the concrete stairway leading up to the sanctuary of Blanchard Baptist Church, my hand firmly gripping my mother’s hand as I looked down the stairs into the creepy, shadowy, basement where all children were confined.
The hallway was long and led directly beneath the aisle in the sanctuary above. Bare bulbs hung from electrical wire dangling from the ceiling and you could hear people walking around above us. My mother handed me off to one of the children workers and I was absorbed into the strange, creepy basement of Blanchard Baptist Church. No wonder I still have nightmares about the place. And, no wonder I chose that building as the setting for “The 13th Demon: Altar of the Spiral Eye”.
SPOILER ALERT: I promised my readers I would put together a video of the history of that “white” building that I would one day cover in blood. The video contains some spoilers about the book so if you haven’t read it, you might want to wait until you have. I recently visited my old church and interviewed my good friend, Kevin Sandifer. Kevin reminded me of the Halloween I dressed up as a mad scientist, stretched him out on the pool table in the youth ministry “house” and proceeded to fling blood and guts on the kids who ran through the room. I guess back then I had a promising future in not only medicine but the macabre. Kevin Sandifer is now the Historian, Media and Archival Center’s director at First Baptist Church of Blanchard. So, as promised, a video visit to the location of all that blood and evil spilled out in “The 13th Demon”.
Welcome Christian Fiction Blog Alliance Blog Tour!
I want to welcome the reviews of the Christian Fiction Blog Alliance Blog Tour! They will be reviewing “The 13th Demon: Altar of the Spiral Eye” over the next two days and you can find the list of websites performing reviews at this link.
Good or bad, reviews are there for you, the prospective reader to check them out.
Two things.
First, I will be reading an excerpt from my book, “The 13th Demon” this Saturday, October 29th at the Barnes & Noble on Youree Drive in Shreveport, Louisiana from 11 A. M. to 1 P. M. and I will be giving away free tee shirts. More information is available at this link. I hope to see you there! Bring you Nook and you can buy the electronic copy of the book right in the store!
Second, I promised to begin to release some special “Extras”. Check under the “Extra” tab for two things: Deleted Chapters and my short video on the history of human sacrifices and how we, as Christians should respond to such a horrendous practice.
A Book Review — Day 3 of “The Bone House”
The Ending
On this, Day 3, of my review of “The Bone House” I will talk about the ending of this book and how Stephen R. Lawhead brings together many threads, in fact many “ley” lines from the first book and this second book to a satisfying and moving conclusion.
By the time the reader reaches the last third of “The Bone House” the reader has learned of how Mina managed to gain a certain device allowing her to maneuver through the ley lines. The reader also learns of how Kit manages to move beyond his awkwardness and become a seasoned ley line traveler and help locate a key “treasure” mentioned often in the first book.
The reader also learns how the originator of the “skin map”, Arthur Flnders-Petrie manages to secure a family and begin to instruct his offspring in the ways of interdimensional travel. Stephen R. Lawhead brings the four main characters, Kit, Mina, and Lady Fayth together with the villain, Lord Burleigh in a believable and breath taking way. This scene is fast paced and chilling and it ends with Kit discovering an entirely new world.
This final portion of the book is so moving, so achingly beautiful in its description of the pristine world of Kit’s primitive “River City” tribe. Here, Kit finally completes his journey in becoming the man he must be. His physical skills increase. His self confidence grows. And, his spiritual journey reaches a most satisfying conclusion.
For, here among the simple community of this primitive tribe, Kit encounters the Ancient man whose sense of contentment, joy, and balance with the universe is breathtaking. The young men of the Ancient’s tribe build him a Bone House. I do not want to ruin the imagery. You must read of this journey Kit takes with the elder man into the unknown. For here, in final scenes of the Bone House, Stephen R. Lawhead delivers on all of his promises. He shows up the ultimate “treasure” led to by the “skin map”. He answers the riddle of the man whose skin is the map. And in the process, he opens a doorway to an entire multi-universe that the reader cannot wait to explore.
And, the final scene is very fitting as Turms, the Immortal is laid to rest.
All in all, “The Bone House” starts out a bit confusing, but persistence will pay off. Do not give up. One caveat: if you purchase the book on Kindle, Nook, or iBook be aware you will begin reading automatically with the first page. You must back up and read the summary of the first book and the list of characters that appear just after the table of contents. I did not know these pages existed until after I began to write my first review and discovered them on going back to the table of contents. It helps tremendously to review the story of “The Skin Map” whether or not you have read it.
I highly recommend this series of books now named “Bright Empires”.
A Book Review Day 2 — The Bone House
In Day One of my review of “The Bone House”, I spoke about the possible confusion one might find at beginning this novel. But, if you press on, you will be rewarded with a tightening of the focus in the middle of the book. So, today, I will discuss the middle.
Middle
I was somewhat confused in the beginning of this book when Arthur Flinders-Petrie and his wife Xian Li show up before Turms, the Immortal. (Spoilers ahead) Why? Because I was certain Xian Li had died in the first book. And yet, here she was healthy and pregnant in the second book. Well, if you press on, you will learn why and I dare not even begin to hint at the reasons for fear of spoiling a wonderful story.
Let’s just say that in the middle of this book, there is a wonderful development in the characters of Kit and Mina. We finally learn how Mina came to be in the perfect spot to rescue Kit from certain death. And, what I love about this story is how this dowdy, frumpy, let’s face it, BORING woman in the beginning of book one has become smart and sassy and very, very resourceful. I really like where Stephen R. Lawhead has taken her in this book. And, this for me is the mark of fine writing; the ability to disappoint me with a certain character only to show how, inevitably, that character can grow and mature and begin to gain my respect. J. Michael Strazcynski did this with G’Kar in Babylon 5 and surprised me with the results. We see the same growth here with the character of Mina. I really like the girl!
Same goes for Kit. Still a bit wobbly and uncertain, Kit rises above his sorrow over the death of Cosmino and follows through with a plan given to him by Mina. And here is the wonder of the second book. I don’t want to give too much away, but Kit must meet with and convince Dr. Thomas Young of the reality of the ley lines. And, in so doing, Kit must then lead Dr. Young to the hidden treasure at the heart of these books. Who would have thought that Stephen R. Lawhead would somehow evoke a wondrous exploration of the reason why man has always built tombs? Sound silly and not at all consequential to the story, but this section thrilled my apologetic heart (apologetics being the field of defending the Christian faith). Here is an excerpt without giving too much away:
“Contrary to what many may think, immortality is not a fairy tale invented to compensate for an unhappy life. Rather, it is the perception shared by nearly all sentient beings that our conscious lives are not bounded by this time and space. We are not merely lumps of animate matter. We are living spirits — we all feel this innately. And in our deepest hearts, we know that we can only find ultimate fulfillment in union with the supreme spiritual reality — a reality that appears, even during this earthly life, to take us beyond the narrow limits of time.”
And so, Kit and Thomas eventually solve one of the great mysteries of this story. But, Kit ‘s story does not end with the discovery. In fact, it only just begins and in the final review, we will learn of Kit’s fate.
Another important development in the middle is the revelation of the origins of one of the book’s main characters. I do not want to divulge which character, but here, in the middle of this book, Stephen R. Lawhead begins to give some humanity to one of his coarser creations. We begin to see the reasons behind the motives; the motivations behind the actions; and the history behind the man.
All in all, good stuff! Well worth moving through the sometimes confusing beginning narrative to get to the meat of the story and the reader will be rewarded for perseverance. In fact, as I said in my review of “The Skin Map” it is almost as if we, the readers, are ourselves being drawn from ley line to ley line, passing through countries now mysterious and now familiar. For eventually, the author brings those lines back together and weaves a grand tale that I can’t wait to finish!
Tomorrow, the Ending!
By the way, if you are in the Shreveport/Bossier City area I will be reading portions of my book “The 13th Demon: Altar of the Spiral Eye” and then signing books at the Barnes & Noble on Youree Drive this Saturday, October 29th from 11 A.M. to 1 P.M. I’m giving away a free tee shirt with each book purchase! See you there!
ResAliens — A Website Review Day 1
It was September, 1966 and I was sitting in front of our new color television set, a short, stocky kid on the soft side of puberty waiting breathlessly for this new show that promised to deliver what Lost in Space had so squandered: real, hard edged science fiction. The opening scene came and left me breathless. The stars filled the screen and a swooshing space ship flew past to the words: “Space, the final frontier . . .” By the end of that episode, the one about Doctor McCoy and the salt vampire, I was thrilled beyond words. Here was a real, honest to God science fiction television show that was gritty, adult oriented and had some pretty scary, but believable monsters.
I was reminded of that day and the feelings evoked in my young mind and heart when I began to read some of the stories on the website, Residential Aliens. Good, old fashioned science fiction, fantasy, and speculative fiction. A combination of Star Trek, Twilight Zone, and Outer Limits with a good portion of Ray Bradbury’s Illustrated Man thrown in.
Where does the name, ResAliens, come from. Here from the website is the explanation:
ResAliens is short for Residential Aliens. A resident alien is, of course, a foreigner who is residing temporarily in a country not her own – an expatriate of sorts. Believers in heaven (or a “coming new age”) often consider themselves to be simply passing through this world on their way to a better land. The idea is that, although we’re currently inhabitants of earth, we’re really citizens of heaven and thus pilgrims, or aliens, on this planet.
The editor of ResAliens, Lyn Perry, defines his scope of publishing in his guidelines:
“In that I am a believer and follower of Christ, yes. The authors and audience, however, may or may not come from a position of faith. But what I think you’ll find here is a collection of quality stories with a moral or spiritual thread that appeals to the broad and varied interests of fans of speculative fiction.
In fact, we accept stories from people of all walks of faith or from none. From my submission guidelines: “I’m looking for quality speculative fiction with a spiritual foundation. Submissions need not be religious in nature. However, we are looking for engaging stories that are truthful to the human experience while offering the reader something of the eternal.”
I downloaded the Collection Issue 5.5 and spot read some of the stories. I also read “Some Assembly Required” and “Snow Angels” to get a taste of the type of fiction you can find on this site.
Today, on day one, I want to discuss the website content. Then, for the next two days, I’ll review the stories I read listed in the paragraph above.
ResAliens is not just another pretty site. It publishes short stories and the author gets PAID for the story! That ‘s right! You can actually get published and get some cold hard cash. Here are the guidelines and payment options:
ResAliens accepts…
+ Flash Fiction (900 to 1500 words)
+ Short Stories (1500 to 6000 words, firm; 7k to 9k stories are too long)
+ Query First: Serials (2 to 4 episodic installments; up to 20k words)
+ Query First: Poetry/Verse (Limited! Note: This is a very hard sell.)
+ Query First: Artwork/Artist Interview. Email: lyn at resaliens dot com.
We Pay…
We offer a one-time payment of $5 per story or artist interview upon acceptance via PayPal (or $4 via USPS), with the option to waive this payment. We’ll also provide a link to your website and/or project page in your Author or Artist Bio. Upon acceptance, your story will appear in an electronic issue, including but not limited to this online venue.
I counted 86 authors and there are short biographies of each author. If you lie one of the archived stories, you can find out what other works these authors have available. There are also some free downloadable anthologies and a store front for buying more of the site’s work.
Here is ResAliens’ Facebook page:
There is also a discussion forum, a Facebook page, a Storefront, and a Twitter feed.
What kind of fiction can you expect? Here is Lyn Perry’s own words:
Combining spec fic and spirituality, and wanting to contribute to faith-informed genre fiction, ResAliens Press offers fans of science fiction, fantasy, and spiritual & supernatural thriller a quality venue in which to share their passion.
After sampling some of the stories, this idea excites me to no end. Here, in one place are dozens of science fiction, fantasy, and speculative stories with a spiritual center. These are stories that push the edge of inspirational fiction and yet, provide the reassurance that there will be a spiritual focus somewhere in the story. Check out the site! Read some of the free stories.
Tomorrow, I will review the story “Some Assembly Required” by T. M. Hunter.
Web site link – http://www.resaliens.com/
Editor’s blog – http://residentialaliens.blogspot.com/
Editor Lyn Perry’s personal blog – http://blogginoutloud.blogspot.com/
CSFF Participants’ links
Noah Arsenault
Brandon Barr
Thomas Clayton Booher
Grace Bridges
Beckie Burnham
Jeff Chapman
CSFF Blog Tour
Carol Bruce Collett
D. G. D. Davidson
Dean Hardy
Katie Hart
Ryan Heart
Jason Joyner
Carol Keen
Shannon McDermott
Rebecca LuElla Miller
Lyn Perry
Sarah Sawyer
Jessica Thomas
Steve Trower
Fred Warren
Phyllis Wheeler
What is your God like?
I can’t help but wonder . . . perhaps no new C. S. Lewis has surfaced in the past fifty years for the very reason that so few writers are starting with the known and speculating from there.
Rebecca LuElla Miller
In the past few days, I have been following two posts: one at www.mikeduran.com about “glorifying God” in our writing. And, then at www.speculativefaith.com a post about how we portray God in our writing. Both of these posts are pale mirror images of each other for they reflect our imperfect human concept of Truth and God.
As a Christian, I believe my job is to do all to further the kingdom of God. If that is glorifying God, then sobeit. Several of the comments in both posts were disturbing to me. One commenter said the God of the Old Testament commanded us to bash babies heads in. I was appalled. Did I get this wrong? Have I read the Bible and missed that portrayal of God? I don’t think so.
So, this brings up a really good point. We all see God through the lens of our experiences of God. God reveals himself in two ways. He reveals himself through his creation as Paul talked about in Romans 1. But, God has also revealed himself through the scriptures and ultimately, through the incarnation. If our experience of God is more “natural” we may be in danger of worshipping the creation; of making the earth and nature into a demigod. If our experience of God is only from the Old Testament, we may draw the conclusion, right or wrong that God is a hideous monster filled only with jealousy and wrath.
If we experience God only through Jesus, we miss out on the mystery and majesty of the trinity. We must synthesize and merge all concepts of God into our experience.
In our postmodern culture, truth is relative and as a Christian writer, I might find myself asking the question “Can truth be known?” This question implies there may not be such a thing as absolute truth. However, in light of the revealed God in scripture and in nature, truth exists. Jesus said “I am the way, the truth, and the life. And, no one comes to the Father except through me.” That statement is pretty absolute. There doesn’t seem to be any wiggle room. So, if we have truly experienced the God of the Bible, then as writers and Christians we do not ask a question. We make a statement with our writing and our lives. “Truth can be known.”
I was reading these comments in both of these posts because I wanted to be encouraged. Instead I was greatly distressed and depressed. A standard of communication and writing was established. The standard raised here is one I don’t believe anyone writing today can ever meet. Perhaps it is because we are so steeped in postmodernism that we cannot connect with that foundation of reality that drove Lewis and Tolkien and the other excellent authors of the past century mentioned in these comments.
But, we must TRY. Our culture is increasingly post-Christian and we as Christian authors have the onerous duty of trying to reveal truth to a godless, truthless society. It is hard enough to try and meet the standards of these authors. We will fail. But, we must try. We must strive for excellence and quality. And, we must know the God of the scriptures. We will never agree on our knowledge of God for each of us experiences God in unique ways. But, we can respect the Word of God as the revealed Truth as best as any man or woman could have written it.
I just finished Paul Copan’s book “Is God a Moral Monster?” and listened to an excellent podcast, “Straight Thinking” over on reasons.org featuring an interview with Copans. He made the point that much of the depiction of the God of the Old Testament (who commands us to bash in babies’ heads????) is linked to the literary style of writing at the time. Ah, the literary style?
So, even our Old Testament is subject to the same problems we are talking about in these comments. It is written by man, inspired by God, and we must filter the “knowledge” of the authors through their cultural and geopolitical situation at the time of the writing and take the “monstrous” God of the Old Testament with a grain of salt.
I would rather remember the passage where Moses pleaded with God to show Himself. Here, in Walter Wangerin, Jr.’s “The Book of God” is one human’s interpretation of that scripture:
Now, Moses closed his mouth and lowered his hands and turned his face aside. His hair was like smoke. His brow concealed a difficult thought.
Finally, he whispered, “I pray you, O Lord, show me your glory.”
Straightway the wind died. The yellow air stood still. The mountain hushed, as between the heaves of storm.
All at once the Lord God lifted his prophet bodily and set him down in the cleft of the rock. He covered Moses with his hand — that he might not, by the direct sight of the Holy God, die. Then the glory of the Lord began to pass that crack in the mountain, crying, “The Lord! The Lord!”
Only when he was going away did God remove his hand, and Moses saw the back of him.
But while it went, his glory proclaimed: The Lord, merciful, gracious, slow to anger — a God abounding in love. Forgiving iniquity, blotting out sin, but by no means clearing the guilty —
And Moses, as soon as he saw such majesty, bowed his head and worshiped.
Moses started from the “known”, he saw the back of our God and he wrote about his experience. This is the God I know. This is the God I worship. This is the God I write about!
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